Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement

Sheldon: I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.
Leonard: Me too.
Sheldon: Is it a high frequency whistle?
Leonard: No its more of a relentess narcassistic drone.

Sheldon: A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.
Leonard: That’s absurd.
Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.
Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.
Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did.

Sheldon: The bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.

Penny: Out of coffee. Need coffee.

Leonard: She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear!

Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together?

Sheldon: Like hippies.

Leonard: Don't you think if a woman was living with me I'd be the first one to know about it?
Penny: Oh sweetie you'd be the last to know about it.

Penny: Cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you!

Howard: New pants?
Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got them for me.
Howard: Nice. Cotton?
Leonard: Actually, I think it’s more of wool, fire ant blend.

Howard: See the blonde over there? I can hit on her and you can’t.

Stephanie: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?
Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on.

Penny: Yeah, sure. What are you washing? A crocodile?

Stephanie: I just performed a Sheldonectomy.
Leonard: Careful, if you don’t get it all, it’ll only come back worse.

Leonard: I just ate, aren’t you supposed to wait an hour?
Stephanie: I think that’s for swimming.
Leonard: Oh, okay. I just hope I don’t get cramps.

Penny: What have women said to you when they wanted to slow a relationship down?
Leonard: I really like you, but I want to see how things go with Mark?
Penny: Yeah, that’ll slow it down.

Howard: You know, if you can’t talk to her, why don’t you just text her?
Leonard: Isn’t that kind of cowardly?
Howard: Oh, yeah. It’s beyond contemptible.
Raj: It’s true, but on the other hand you are wearing a bird sweater.