Science is my lady.

Leonard:I have two words for you. The first is big, the other’s whoop.

Leonard: Look, the guy was just in the right place, at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting reinterpretation of the universe. He got lucky.

Howard: He doesn't do anything for me. If I were going to go that way, I'm more of a Zac Efron kind of guy.
Raj: Oh yeah, like you have a shot with Zac Efron.

Leonard: It’s just a video game. And we suck at it.
Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from the team captain.

Howard: Ooh, “Dave.” Sounds like Leonard’s got a new BFF.

Leonard: Actually, he’s pretty cool. I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist, but it turns out he’s a Black Diamond skier, he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band.
Howard: So? We’re in a rock band.
Leonard: No, we play Rock Band on our X-Box.

Raj: Whoa. Humongous man crush, dude.
Howard: Yep. It’s officially a bro-mance.

Howard: Gather round, kids, it’s time for Sheldon’s beloved Christmas special.

Sheldon: You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing?

Howard: Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.

Howard: It’s funny when it’s not happening to us.

Penny: The physicists I know are indoorsy and pale.

Penny: You know, I love science.
Leonard: Since when?
Penny: Since always.

Penny: I am, queen of the nerds.

Raj: Let’s just go next door and build her a bear.

Sheldon: That presupposes Penny is tense.
Raj: She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket!

Sheldon: Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Store clerk: I don't understand what you're talking about and you're making me a little uncomfortable
Howard: See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.

Dave: We’re going to explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
Penny: It’s not an experiment! You saw what happened last night.

Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard, I’ve solved my Penny gift dilemma.
Leonard: Yippee.
Sheldon: You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress. Then I’ll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I’ll return the others for a full refund.
Leonard: Brilliant.

Leonard: Well, news flash, lady, David Underhill is ten times smarter than me! You’d have to drive a railroad spike into his brain for me to beat him at checkers! Next to him, I’m like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes! So, my question is, what’s up with that?

Leonard: Well, uh, the important thing is he’s married and that’s terrible!
Penny: Nice save, genius. Eggnog?
Leonard: Lactose.
Penny: It’s just rum. It stopped being eggnog like half an hour ago.
Leonard: Smooth.

Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!

Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon’s hugging me.
Leonard: It’s a Saturnalia miracle.

Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement

Sheldon: I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.
Leonard: Me too.
Sheldon: Is it a high frequency whistle?
Leonard: No its more of a relentess narcassistic drone.

Sheldon: A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.
Leonard: That’s absurd.
Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.
Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.
Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did.

Sheldon: The bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.

Penny: Out of coffee. Need coffee.

Leonard: She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear!

Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together?

Sheldon: Like hippies.

Leonard: Don't you think if a woman was living with me I'd be the first one to know about it?
Penny: Oh sweetie you'd be the last to know about it.

Penny: Cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you!

Howard: New pants?
Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got them for me.
Howard: Nice. Cotton?
Leonard: Actually, I think it’s more of wool, fire ant blend.

Howard: See the blonde over there? I can hit on her and you can’t.

Stephanie: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?
Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on.

Penny: Yeah, sure. What are you washing? A crocodile?

Stephanie: I just performed a Sheldonectomy.
Leonard: Careful, if you don’t get it all, it’ll only come back worse.

Leonard: I just ate, aren’t you supposed to wait an hour?
Stephanie: I think that’s for swimming.
Leonard: Oh, okay. I just hope I don’t get cramps.

Penny: What have women said to you when they wanted to slow a relationship down?
Leonard: I really like you, but I want to see how things go with Mark?
Penny: Yeah, that’ll slow it down.

Howard: You know, if you can’t talk to her, why don’t you just text her?
Leonard: Isn’t that kind of cowardly?
Howard: Oh, yeah. It’s beyond contemptible.
Raj: It’s true, but on the other hand you are wearing a bird sweater.

What is shaking?

Sheldon: Consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.

Sheldon: Peace out.

Sheldon: Since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up.

Sheldon: Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You’re Kirk, I’m Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed, and now we’ve got McCoy.

Sheldon: Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh, clearly I could have.
Sheldon: It took me nearly 20 minutes to go through the browser history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up.

Sheldon: You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.
Leonard: Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I’m afraid I can’t allow that.

Penny: Oh, okay, all right, you know what? I’ll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It’s not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

Raj: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.

Howard: I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. Don’t spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it, that doesn’t work at all, no matter how much you put on.
Sheldon: So, that’s all you’ve got? Apocalyptic genocide and go easy on the cologne?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Yeah.

Sheldon: Where are you in your menstrual cycle?

Sheldon: I’m helping you with Stephanie.
Leonard: By making constipated moose sounds?

Raj: Answering the question once and for all why Wolowitz bailed out of medical school.

Howard: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That’s bold.
Leonard: It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
Sheldon: I had no choice, he cried in front of her.
Leonard: You hacked my facebook account?
Sheldon: Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.

Sheldon: If I'm permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win!

Rock - Paper - Scissors - Lizard - Spock

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Leonard: Ahoy, matey.

Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It’s all part of a technique I’ve been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.

Leonard: Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5.
Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis.

Sheldon: They don’t let strange women from honky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets?
Howard: Yes, I was bad. Maybe she’ll spank me. Can we please move on?

Stephanie: So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one’s a scientist like Howard.
Howard: My mother is so gonna love her.
Sheldon: Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.

Raj: What’s Plan B?
Howard: Erase all the hard drives, scrap the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon: Why wasn’t that Plan A?

Penny: You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.

Stephanie: So, how was your day?
Leonard: Y'know, I'm a physicist - I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That's it?
Leonard: I wrote some of it down.

Howard: Hey, buddy. What brings you to my little slice of hell?

Howard: You are dead to me.

Howard: Did someone just feel a cold breeze?
Sheldon: I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.

Howard: Leonard, Stephanie, you’re alive, it’s a miracle!

Voice from TV: The possibility of life on Mars has long fascinated scientists and laypersons alike. It’s unclear how the Mars Rover got into the crevice, but one thing’s certain, the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars. It’s a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we’ll never know who’s responsible.
Howard: Son of a bitch.

Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…
Leonard: No, no, don’t tell her.
Sheldon: …playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Aw!
Howard: What do you mean, aw? Like she didn’t know we were nerds?

Howard: Oh, look! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of... what a coincidence... is the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.

Howard: You’re telling me that I’m within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels?
Penny: Yeah, I guess.
Howard: And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights?

Howard: Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.

Penny: Aw honey, the buses don't go where you live do they?

Leonard: Congratulations. You’re officially one of us.

Leonard: Yeah, yeah, ah, see here's the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.

Penny: You didn't know? You have three strikes. Strike 1- You came in, Strike 2- You sat down and Strike 3- I don't like your attitude.

Penny: No Shirt, No Shoes, No Sheldon.

Penny: It is on. I am gonna introduce your friend to a world of hurt.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.

Sheldon: Woman, you're playing with forces beyond your ken
Penny: Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie.

Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, "Mwah, ha, ha."

Sheldon: Well played.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: Just remember: with great power comes great responsibility.
Penny: Understood.

If you can talk to them, you can ask them out.

Sheldon: I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.

Sheldon: I weep for the future of science. Now if you’ll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.

Raj: I love this time of the year. The leaves are turning, there’s a bracing chill in the air.
Howard: Plus there’s a whole new crop of female grad students about to put on just enough winter weight to make them needy and vulnerable. That’s right, honey, have another calzone, Daddy can wait.

Ramona:Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe.
Sheldon: It’s what I do.

Ramona: I already have your address.
Sheldon: What a nice girl.
Howard: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
Sheldon: Yes. Apparently I’m getting a free dinner.

Penny: What's Sheldon's deal?

Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species, and someday he’ll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

Ramona: Your friends are holding you back.
Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.

Sheldon: Apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.

Ramona: I know what’s going on here.
Penny: Really? Well, then will you explain it to me?
Ramona: You’re in love with Dr. Cooper.
Penny: Uh, yeah, no, that’s not it.
Ramona: Don’t try to deny it. He’s a remarkable man, but you have to let him go.
Penny: Oh, gee, okay.
Ramona: I know it’s hard, but he’s a gift to the whole world, and we can’t be selfish.
Penny: Yeah, he’s a gift all right.

Penny: Holy crap on a cracker!

This madness has to stop.

Sheldon: I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

Sheldon: I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.

Penny: Oh, dear God.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you’re done, we’ll go.

Sheldon: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.
Penny: Do you have any alcohol?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Penny: Too bad.

Sheldon: You said you couldn’t drive me to work, this is from work.

Sheldon: We had a difference of opinion.
Raj: Over what?
Sheldon: Whether or not he was trying to kill me.

Sheldon: Why Penny?
Leonard: Because rock breaks scissors.

Sheldon: I just don’t see why I need a driver’s license, Albert Einstein never had a driver’s license.
Howard: Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn’t make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
Penny: Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts.

Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
Sheldon: How else are they going to learn?

Howard: Fine, what colour do you want?
Sheldon: You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered?
Howard: Black it is.

Leonard: How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale galleria?

Sheldon: Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?
Leonard: I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not that.

Raj: Is there some new kind of casual Friday I don’t know about?

I just love saying limo.

Sheldon: Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?

Howard: Oh, I'd so do her.
Leonard: You’d do the dolphins.

Raj: It’s People magazine. People picked me.

Sheldon: Hey! Look I found my missing nutrino!
Howard: Oh, great! We can take it off the milk carton!

Sheldon: What do you want me to do?
Leonard: Smile.
Howard: Oh crap, that's terrifying.

Raj: I couldn’t get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that’s for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.

Sheldon: I can make it, but I won't.

Sheldon: A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard: That would be cool. I’d go to that reception.

Raj: I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, redonkulous.

Raj: It's time to raise the roof.

Leonard: Anythingforagreencard.com?

Sheldon: Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?

Sheldon: When I was eight, a Montgomery Ward delivery van ran over our family cat, Lucky.
Howard: Lucky?
Sheldon: Yes, Lucky.
Leonard: He's irony-impaired. Just move on.
Howard: Ok, dead cat named Lucky. Continue.

Sheldon: I wanted a griffin.
Leonard: A griffin?
Sheldon: Yes, half eagle half lion.
Leonard: And mythological.
Sheldon: Irrelevant.

Sheldon: I'm not insane, my mother had me tested!

Leonard: Our new friend is going to be Iron Man.

Raj: It’s time to put on some R. Kelly and suck face.

Penny: FYI, you’d be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law.

AFK - away from keyboard

Penny: I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.

Sheldon: Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of sarcasm.

Leonard: Your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.

Leonard: Want to catch me up?
Sheldon: Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.

Penny: Oh my God, a treasure chest, I’m rich!
Sheldon: Level three and she thinks she’s rich! What a noob.

Sheldon: You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.

Raj: It’s like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.

Sheldon: That girl needs to get a life.

Penny: Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don’t got in Sheldon’s room, he’s not wearing bottoms.

Leonard: You’re the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in.

Leonard: Sheldon, wake up.
Sheldon: Danger, danger.

Sheldon: Good to know. Big old five.

So, be a tool

Leonard: Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear.
Sheldon: You are wearing modern underwear?
Leonard: Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing?
Sheldon: I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
Leonard: You went out and bought linen?
Sheldon: Don't be silly, I borrowed one of your pillow cases.

Sheldon: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two.

Howard: Yeah, so, be a tool. Go get yourself a little rebound stress release.
Raj: Technically it would only be rebound if he and Penny had actually engaged in physical intimacy.
Howard: You mean like you and Richard the slave girl?
Raj: I brought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. And he told me his name was Kimberley!

Sheldon: You know how I know we're not in the Matrix?
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: If we were, the food would be better.

Leslie: I thought it was a pretty good one, I gave him an L-O-L.

Sheldon: Bring out the Red Bull, it%u2019s time to rock Mario old school!

Sheldon: You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?

Penny: Well why don't you go to the movies then?
Sheldon: Because who would be there to perform the Heimlich maneuver if I choke on my popcorn?
Penny: So, don't buy popcorn.
Sheldon: No popcorn at the mo - listen to yourself!

Sheldon: Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I’m just enabling you.

Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know...
Sheldon: Smart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

Penny: You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it.
Sheldon: You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.

Penny: Because love trumps hate.
Sheldon: Oh now you're just making stuff up.

Sheldon: Oh Mario ... if only I could control everyone the way I control you ... HOP! YOU LITTLE PLUMBER! HOP! HOP! HOP!